Posted by: Derek Guyer | November 8, 2012

The Little Things

It might surprise you how many texts, calls, and emails we receive every week from wives who want attention. These wives are hungry for husbands who care about them. They earnestly desire to be desired. They want to be loved.

If/when I address the husbands, there is always a lot of confusion. The husband usually feels nagged and pressured into doing things for his wife. He feels overwhelmed and, more-importantly, inadequate. They don’t feel like it’s possible to meet the needs in front of them.

Both sides are making this problem worse. The husbands feel inadequate to meeting the task in front of them and so they don’t take any steps at all. Wives allow themselves to be so consumed with the need that they overwhelm the husband further by applying an expectation that no one could meet. What happens as a result of these problems can be catastrophic.

The fix usually is very simple. It’s the little things.

It doesn’t usually take years of counseling to take simple steps to love your wife. You don’t have to plan a weekend  in the Bahamas for her to feel loved. You don’t have to buy her expensive jewelry. But, you do have to be unselfish. That means you have to take intentional steps of unselfishness on a regular basis. Here are some simple suggestions:

  • Turn your phone off for the evening and listen to her.
  • Send her an email from work telling her how beautiful she is.
  • Take an hour tonight to check off one or two small things from her honey-do list.
  • Before you leave for work, look into her eyes and tell her you love her.
  • Send her random text messages that simply tell her how wonderful she is.
  • Write her a love letter.
  • Pray for her.

Wives, your nagging will NEVER help. The degrading and harsh words will only create more pressure that he’ll never feel adequate to meet your expectations, and you will get less of your husband with every nagging word. Here are some simple suggestions to love your husband:

  • Tell him how much you appreciate the good things he does.
  • Start a journal. Write down your frustrations and then ask God if/when you should share them.
  • Initiate sex yourself.
  • Praise him publicly. Tell friends, family, and co-workers the good things he does…whether he is there to hear them or not.
  • Don’t ask him to do something for you. Ask him what you can do for him.
  • Pray for him.

Notice I am not asking you to spend money on each other. You might have to spend some money to fix things around the house, but hanging that picture or fixing that leaky sink will go a long way to create a happy home. Wives, writing your frustrations down in that journal will go a long way to releasing the ever-building pressure and free you to build up your husband. Unselfishly loving one another through simple steps will stop the drought of love in your home and begin healing the wounds and brokenness.

Don’t expect things to change over-night. Lisa and I do these types of things constantly for one another. We have been through hell and come back to a fruitful and loving marriage. The little things make all of the difference in the world.


  1. Love this!!!

  2. You are right on Derek! Good, practical suggestions. Plus it’s always good to do something for her unexpected and unasked….and sometimes that does require a few $. Women love those three little words…..”Let’s eat out!”

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