Posted by: Lisa Guyer | October 12, 2009

Put It Into Practice: Build Him Up

Are you struggling with the man that your husband has become?  Do you wish he were stronger and more confident?  Do you want him to just take charge and be sure of himself?  Do you want him to command respect when he walks into a room?

Now, try to think about what made him the way he is.  Where do your thoughts immediately go?  Do they go to his life as a child and how his parents treated him?  Do they go to his own selfish habits that have seemed to take over his life?  Do any thoughts point straight at you and how you talk to him?

I want to offer the idea that the confidence and self worth of a man depends almost completely on his wife and how she views and treats him.  In an average day, think about how you talk to your husband.  (We’re doing a lot of self-reflecting, but that is good!)  Do you belittle ideas and dreams he has?  Do you thank him for the efforts he makes whether great or small?  Do you challenge his authority in front of the children or even in public?  Derek has said to me many times that there are very few things that can make him feel more confident and strong than for me to just say, “Honey, I just want you to know that I believe in you.”  Derek just wants to know that even when things get overwhelming and he feels defeated, there is one person that still has confidence in him. 

Believing in your husband and building him up is so much more vital than many women understand.  The way you view your husband is more critical to him than how his parents treated him or how his boss treats him.  You can either make or break your husband just by the words you use towards him. Ephesians 4:29 says “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.”  Do not let ANY unwholesome talk come out of your mouths….None.  So, when you want to criticize your husband for not putting the dishes away after he washed them…don’t.  When you want to argue with him about how he’s handling the children…don’t.  When you want to belittle him by joking about him in a hurtful way in front of his friends…stop.  If it isn’t going to build him up into believing that he can be a great man of God, then it isn’t worth saying. 

Have things gotten so out of control for you and your marriage that you are having trouble finding anything wholesome or encouraging to say about your husband?  Paul encourages us that “whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable – if anything is excellent of praiseworthy” then we are to “think about such things.”  (Phil. 4:8)  Your husband may only have three praiseworthy attributes about him.  But, whatever they are, list them out and meditate on them.  Satan is going to inundate you with the negatives, but God says to focus on his positives.  Praise your husband for the things that he does right, instead of tearing him down for the things he does wrong.

Are you still struggling to see any good in your husband at all?  (Believe me, there are many of you out there who will struggle to see any good at all.  This isn’t necessarily because your husband is so bad, but instead because Satan has such a hold on your marriage that he has blinded you to all truth.  If you do feel this way, trust me when I say, you aren’t alone.) Focus on the one thing that I know is true of every man out there.  He has been created in the image of God.  Tell your husband that you believe in Him because he has been made in the image of your Savior and you believe that he can do great things because of that one truth. 

Stop glossing over this scripture, and begin building your husband up instead of tearing him down.  Try it, and I am confident that the Lord will take your encouragement and help your husband to grow into a fierce man of confidence and strength.

—Want to think about this a little more?  This is a great article that I found.  When you read it, try to focus on using all of his suggestions towards your spouse.  Don’t get distracted about being more encouraging to your kids or coworkers.  These are great people to encourage, but your husband is first and foremost.  Concentrate on one at a time.

—Missed any of the previous “Put It Into Practice” posts?  Go here to catch up.


  1. I’ve had to cry to God before and ask him to “just let me see him the way You do for a bit” – and when He answered that prayer I fell completely in awe with my husband – and then I started noticeing more and more good things – I have to hold on to those positive moments… and I still have to do that. The more I do it… the easier it becomes. We should probably be doing this for all the people in our life… Show us how you see them Jesus. – Let me see their beauty like You do. Wow – wouldn’t that be sooo cool to do!

  2. I have also learned that it’s not just what you SAY about/to him, it’s what you THINK. Thoughts have power. If you don’t say anything negative, but you’re thinking, “what an idiot!”–that translates to him, believe me! You touched on this with Philippians 4:8, but I don’t think we can hear it too much that respect is a state of mind, not just words. And a respectful state of mind towards our husbands changes US, which in turn, changes them. Like many other so-called “feelings,” respect is a choice.

    • I agree with you… I wonder how many times my face has said… uh duh… while I was refraining from speaking… – our thoughts come out in our facial expressions and we don’t even know it.

  3. […] For more ideas and encouragement on how to build-up your husband and strengthen your marriage, visit these posts: “Standing by Your Man”; “Build Him Up” […]

  4. I read the post and as a man, I cannot tell you how much truth is written here. It is such a joy to know that you are helped by your wife with words that reaffirm their belief in you. This is not because you are a great person, but because you have been made in God’s image.Thank you for encouraging women to let their husbands know that they do see the positive qualities is spite of the many ways in which we stumble. I also like the comment by Gina about thoughts. Trust me when I say that men know when a woman is thinking something hurtful or demeaning that she is not saying. Unspoken communication comes through loud and clear.

  5. I like being wrong. Yes, ladies and gentlemen alike- I said it!
    It’s been difficult for me to see the good sometimes in my husband. I can’t believe the things we’ve done and said to one another. It’s hard to trust! The cool thing is, with the transformation that has taken place in our lives, it doesn’t matter who we USED to be. Christ has changed all that, taking our transgressions as far as the east is from the west. WOW. So, when I don’t trust my husband, or he doesn’t trust me because of what we USED to do, we’re believing the enemy’s lies about eachother. When I think my husband is being his old self, God continually, consistently comes to his defense and says “NO, Jen, THIS is who and what he is “. God shows me who my husband is in Him, and I can only pray that when my husband fearfully worries about my behavior, or love for him, or commitment to our marriage, God shows him the same about me. The more I realize I’m wrong, the more I see just how wonderful His transforming love is in our lives.

  6. I wish I had experienced this with my Wife in our marriage. If I had just been doing what I should have been doing, maybe it would have worked out differently.

  7. […] more on encouraging your husband, read “Build Him Up”. A Weekly Word "The LORD upholdeth all that fall, and raiseth up all those that be bowed […]

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