Posted by: Lisa Guyer | May 21, 2009

It Still Runs Deep

Recently I have had many harsh reminders of my affair.  Although it happened over 5 years ago, I am still haunted by certain aspects of it, and the pain runs deep.

Over this past weekend, Derek and I celebrated our 7th wedding anniversary.  Praise God! Somehow, we ended up driving through the very area where much of the affair happened.  Many of the stores and restaurants that we were driving past brought back overwhelming memories.  That street and exit off the interstate has always been a struggle for both Derek and I.  To be honest, many times it is still a temptation for me.  I had fun during the affair.  It was a rush.  So to see all of those places again and to think about what happened during that time, it’s sometimes hard for me to not replay that time over again in my mind.  For Derek though, that street has always been heart wrenching for him to drive on.  It’s a place of betrayal, lost love, and utter rage for him.  Despite those different feelings, the car always seems to get quiet when we go on trips and we begin getting close to that exit and then even quieter as we actually pass the exit.  Then it begins to fade in the distance behind us and we begin to start talking again.  It’s just a hard reminder.  It’s a consequence of what I did. 

This situation proved to be extra disheartening to me this weekend.  Many times it’s easy for me to recognize the consequences of my sin and to just accept them.  But for some reason, this past weekend they just struck deeper than normal.  Why am I telling you all of this?  Actually, it’s to encourage you.  As I stated before, so many couples contact us after quite a bit of time has passed since they confessed their affair.  They contact us as a last ditch effort to rebuild the shambles of their marriage.  Their marriage has gone so far downhill because they just expected everything to change after the confession was made. 

Trust me, it doesn’t.  Things will NOT start going uphill just because you are beginning to make the right choices now.  Most of the time, it will continue to get worse for a while.  Remember, Satan is trying to find someone to devour, not someone who he can wound and then let get away.  He’s not going to give you up without a fight. Every step in the right direction will be countered with multiple arrows to the heart as a reminder of your sin and guilt.

The only way to defeat this deep struggle with Satan is to realize and accept that there will continually (probably until the day you die) be consequences from your actions.  Consequences not just for yourself, but for your spouse, your children, your friends, and anyone else involved.  Don’t let those consequences defeat you.  More than anything else, be prepared to help your spouse through those difficult times.  Be supportive and encouraging, not demeaning and criticizing.  If you are the offender, this is definitely NOT the time to be saying, “I wish you would just get over this!  It happened so long ago!”  Above all, TALK TO YOUR SPOUSE about your struggle.  Tell them the consequence you are dealing with, and pray about it together.  The Lord disciplines those whom he loves.  Instead of viewing this as a guilt trip from God, choose to view these consequences as being a learning opportunity from the Lord and heal.


  1. Praise God indeed!!! Happy anniversary. I’m so thankful that both of you have a love for God and a love for each other that will strengthen you and get you though all of this as long as you keep Him in front of you. This Friday will be our 34th anniversary. I know that you will have a long happy live together. It’s those struggles in our lives that make the joys even sweeter. I love you both so much. God bless you both.

  2. Hello D&L,

    You guys are amazing to me! Your willingness to openly share your experiences and to encourage and help others is such a testimony to the love and power of an awesome Father.

    It brings me great joy to remember you and your family in prayer.

    Happy Anniversary! May God bless you with many more.

  3. Derek’s encouraging words and prayer have helped me more than you will ever know.

    Just today he helped me get back off the floor, and realize that I need to die to self so that Christ can live through me.

    I need to focus on Him, instead of my problems, or the problems I see in my marriage, or my Wife.

    Praise be to God for the help you two give others!

    Thanks again,


  4. First of all, HAPPY ANNIVERSARY to the both of you! Thank you for all that you do to help and encourage others who are suffering with the devastation that adultery leaves in it’s wake.

    I can sure relate to this story from Derek’s point of view.
    My wife Monica and I have been rebuilding our marriage of 18 yrs over the past year, due to the fact of that is when she confessed her affair to me.

    Last November we were returning home from a Family Life “Weekend to Remember” marriage conference, and decided to take a different route than the one we took to get there.
    We really didn’t realize that we would be passing right by one of the towns where my wife and best friend had met to engage in their affair. As soon as I saw the exit to this small town, the wave of emotions that hit me were literally overwhelming. I actually had to pull over to the side of the highway to calm down and compose myself as my wife prayed for me.
    I can’t imagine what I would have done if my wife had said to me, “just get over it”. That would have been like pouring salt in an already gaping wound.

    If you are in the midst of an affair: STOP!
    Trust me, there will be consequences whether you think so now or not.

    If you are struggling with the aftermath of an affair and you are the offender: Approach your spouse with a truly repentant heart, and do whatever it takes to comfort and console them.

    If you are the offended: Be willing to forgive and let God heal you and your marriage in ways you never thought possible. Let Jesus be the foundation of rebuilding.

    We thank God everyday for healing and second chances.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s


%d bloggers like this: