Posted by: Derek Guyer | April 3, 2009

Trust Takes Time: God’s Time

The broken trust of an affair has to be one of the most painful things ever. In its aftermath, so many things can trigger bad, hurtful, and even hostile feelings. This can continue for years. You find yourself worrying every time your spouse is a little late coming home or calling you. You find the slightest concerns usher in doubts of ever overcoming the pain. For any of you who have been betrayed in this way, this reality will resonate with you. There is no peace.

On the other side, I can testify that God can use some of the most simple things in our lives to bring us to a place of healing and trusting once again. One of these moments in my life will forever remain embedded in my memory as a turning point in my healing. It was this particular moment in my life where the momentum changed. I felt a burden lifted and was no longer suffering through every day. I had been given a gift. My son, Malachi, and his birth ushered in a new set of emotions and thoughts about my family.

chianddaddyYesterday, our family celebrated his 3rd birthday (Yes, he is an April fool’s baby). It was a great day for us to celebrate together as a family. Especially, it was fun to watch Malachi enjoy all of it. But, the joy of the day for me was trumped by an overwhelming thankfulness of what God had done for me that day in 2006. 

The affair had been two and a half years before this point and while that may seem like a long time for some of you, the affair was all still fresh to me. Lisa’s heart hadn’t really changed to serving and loving me in Christ until she became pregnant with Malachi. So, I had almost two years of anxiousness and discomfort with Lisa where I really wanted to trust her, but simply couldn’t.

See, April 1st, 2006, was the moment I really began to trust Lisa in a new way. It was those amazing moments in the delivery room when I first saw Malachi delivered that I realized he was mine. There was a lingering fear all through the pregnancy that he might not be mine. But, at that moment there in the hospital, all fear went away. I knew Lisa was remaining faithful to me and, while her actions had begun proving it through the pregnancy, this moment set things in motion. God gave me the gift of trust again through the gift of my son, Malachi, and I’ll never stop thanking Him for it.

I don’t know how you’ll learn to trust again. I don’t know what sequence of events God will use to draw you, your heart, and your family to Him, but I do know this; God knows how you will heal and He’s helping you as He draws you to Him. Don’t try to manufacture trust on your own. “Come close to God and He will come close to you.” (James 4:8 NLT)

We read Psalm 139 yesterday as a reminder of the gift of life we’ve been given through creation in each one of our children and in our own lives. I’d like to share a verse that jumped off of the pages as I read it with the family:

“You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed.”

Psalm 139:16 NLT

As the Creator and Sustainer of life, He knows what you need and when you need it. Don’t force your healing. Look to the Great Physician and Wonderful Counselor for the healing only they can bring in their own time. They are faithful.


  1. Glad to hear you stuck it out and did what few would do… meaning find a way through the pain and turmoil.

    I’ve often wondered if marriage is doomed but more recently, I am wondering if we are getting so tired of divorce in our society that perhaps the tide may shift toward people exploring other ways to approach painful circumstances in marriages like betrayal.

    I can tell you this… divorce is an expensive option in EVERY way for EVERYONE involved… including kids and family of the couple.

    Anyway… tripped accross your blog on the tag surf and was encouraged.



  2. Derek you are so right when you say that betrayal and broken trust from an affair has to be one of the most painful experiences anyone can endure.
    Dr. Willard Harley has studied this for years and said that after talking with many women who had been raped previously in their lives, and later were cheated on by their spouses, had said that being betrayed by the one that they loved was much more intensely painful.
    This is certainly not to downplay the horrors of being raped, but these were women who had experienced both atrocities.

    The problem with our society is that adultery is constantly being downplayed by way of movies, television, people we know at work, or even at church!
    It is taken so lightly that there are even websites that give you step by step instructions on how to cheat on your spouse. As if it were no different than running to the store to buy a new pair of shoes!
    I guarantee you that if the people involved in affairs right now had any clue as to how devastating their actions were to their spouses, they would stop immediately and beg for forgiveness.
    I know that my wife would sell everything we have to buy a time machine to go back and change her actions. Hindsight is truly 20/20.

    Bad news is, we can’t go back.
    Good news is we do have a Wonderful Counseler and Healer in Jesus Christ!
    If we put our FULL trust in Him, all things are possible.

  3. I am looking to build trust again, with my wife, after two affairs. I pray daily that God will work in both our hearts, and that if it his will, that he bring us back together stronger than ever.

    I am so very glad that you were able to trust again.

    The pain for me has always been about the lack of trust, and the dishonesty that goes with it.

  4. Chaz, I agree. Divorce is an extremely costly road to travel down and it’s becoming more and more obvious to me in scripture, that it’s not God’s way.

    Jason, your journey of trust has been powerful to watch. I’m thankful to see you functioning as the man of God He made you to be.

    Mike, I hate to hear about your pain. It’s so frustrating to hear about the grip Satan has taken on men and women’s hearts. The havoc he’s reeked has left us with some messy situations, but God is victorious. What He’s brought together, he wants no man to separate. I pray we don’t. I pray we extend the same mercy He’s shown us and unite the marriages and homes He’s given us.

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