Posted by: Derek Guyer | April 3, 2009

Talk With Your Spouse Tip # 14

It’s incredible how quickly a small point of frustration can turn into a full-blown fight between a husband and wife. The smallest of issues can turn into the dirtiest knock-down drag-out fights you can imagine. In the past, I’ve seen simple things in my own marriage turn into intense, yet meaningless, conversations. I think many of us can associate with this problem; it starts with the cap being left off of the toothpaste or the garbage not being taken out or the lights being left on in a room and leads to hours of hostile fighting and verbal daggers of hatred being thrust into one another in the midst of heated exchanges. This is so unfortunate. 

In these moments, deep seated wounds from one another’s pasts are thrown onto the table for no other reason than to hurt the other. These moments of foolish, unloving behavior lead to heated discussions of a nature I could never wish on my worst enemies. I’ve been invited into homes where these conversations were happening and listened in as some of the most horrific hidden secrets were exposed in alarming ways. There is no end to the hatred and bitterness spewing out of their mouths.

This is not how God intended His people to communicate with one another:

“The lips of the righteous know what is fitting, but the mouth of the wicked only what is perverse.”

Proverbs 10:32 NIV

Instead of hurling more insults at your spouse in the midst of an intense discussion, stop and think about what is fitting for righteousness. Don’t hurl out the first insult that comes to mind. Rather, take time to consider the other person’s feelings and what is necessary to make progress in the conversation. Don’t act and respond like a fool:

“A fool is quick tempered, but a wise person stays calm when insulted.”

Proverbs 12:16 NLT 

Remaining calm when you’re being insulted and abused is so difficult. Finding grace on your tongue and in your heart can be incredibly challenging, but doing otherwise will do nothing but bring more trouble and heartache.

“Some people make cutting remarks, but the words of the wise bring healing.”

Proverbs 12:18 NLT

If you want healing, let your words bring it. Don’t engage the fight. Allow Christ to use you for healing in your marriage. 


  1. Good communication is so important. It’s not so much what you say as how you say it. In the years to come, your spouse will probably not remember what the topic was but they will remember the hurt they felt during the discussion. Thanks for a great post.

  2. Agreed, Lorene. It’s incredible how long those hurt feelings can last. I’m thankful God can heal it in ways we never could on our own.

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