Posted by: Derek Guyer | December 3, 2008

Love is an Action


When was the last time your spouse did something that simply made them feel unlovable? Depending on your marriage and its current status, this may be a once-a-month problem or it may be a multiple-times-a-day problem.  For the spouse who is “putting up with” those behaviors, this is childish, annoying, and many times a serious grounds for divorce. When I talk to people in this situation, I hear things like:

  • “This is not the person I married.”
  • “God would want me to be happy, right?” or…
  • “I’ve given into the idea that the rest of my life will be miserable.”

When Lisa was in her affair, I was saying similar things. Fortunately, God brought me out of that mindset. He changed my thinking in some big ways and I’ve never forgotten the one main lesson he taught me through all of it:

“Love is not a feeling. Love is an action.”

I remember going to God over and over again when Lisa would hurt me, asking why she didn’t love me any more. I would complain and whine, and every single time, God would say the same things.

“Derek, it’s not about you. You can’t change Lisa. You can only change the things you need to fix. Stop complaining about her and get busy doing what I’ve asked you to do.”

In the times where I thought I wanted sympathy, I found I usually just wanted pity. My God is not a god of pity. He’s a God who asks for self-denial and change. The change he asked of me was to live out the things I told Lisa. I told her I loved her and he wanted me to show her. So, my time was spent applying verses like I Corinthians 13, where Paul says:

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.”

I Corinthians 13:4-8 NIV

God taught me to stop thinking of love as a feeling and to begin living it. He taught me to think less about me and more about my own actions. He taught me that love is an action, and when it is given to others, “Love never fails”.

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