Posted by: Derek Guyer | July 20, 2008

Unrealistic Expectations & Bad Marriages

When you first looked at your husband, back in the day before you were married, did you ever imagine being as angry with him as you have gotten? In the final days before the wedding, did you ever imagine the struggles with sex you’ve had? What about the intense arguments?

Very few people walk into marriage with any type of proper perspective these days. Once the excitement of being “in love” wears off, they’re left with a sense of frustration and bewilderment. At this point, I hear questions and comments like:

  • I just don’t think we’re in love any more.
  • How could she cheat on me?
  • Why can’t he just talk to me instead of everyone else?
  • Why won’t she just let me be myself instead of trying to change me all of the time?
  • She doesn’t care about me. She only cares about spending my money.


If you haven’t heard or said those very things, I’d be thoroughly shocked. Most every husband and wife throughout history have asked questions like these multiple times through their marriage. We’re human.

I think the real problems in marriages today boil down to unrealistic expectations because of two things:

  1. We haven’t been taught how to be good husbands and wives.
  2. We don’t understand the marriage covenant we’ve made with God or our spouse.

As I was counseling a couple last night who had suffered from an affair, I saw the effects of this on a large scale. They both walked in with completely unrealistic expectations, and things fell fast and hard. The wife’s lack of trust for her husband and frustration with his past decisions put her in a position where she felt submission was no longer possible. She had surrendered to handling every decision, problem, and worry on her own. As a result, the children didn’t respect their father because Mommy didn’t. 

Talking with a couple last week on the phone, I heard it again. They walked in with a poor idea of how marriage worked and their responsibility in it as a husband and/or wife. As a result, needs were not met and one of them had cheated. 

I could go on and on with example after example…good grief, my home is a perfect example of this problem. We suffered from many of these problems as well, including my wife’s infidelity. Study, prayer, encouragement, and support have us where we are today. We’re on the rise.

What’s it going to take for your own home to rise? How will you and your spouse make the changes needed? What are the needed changes? If you’re single, but aching to take the next step, are you ready? Either case, Christ is The Way.

It’s our hope and our prayer that you’ll find The Way. It’s our aim, through Christ, to lead you there.

Father, you know how many homes are suffering and how many have lost their way. Leave no stone unturned and no heart unchanged. Lead people to you. Heal homes for your own glory. What you have brought together, let no man put apart. Lead us in paths of righteousness for your own names sake. We trust you and your way. Thank you, Father.


  1. well and what if the husband uses the excuse ” because she/they are christian and you not”……

  2. That’s a really tough question and situation. It’s difficult for people of different beliefs to be together. Extremely difficult. I’d highly encourage you to search for the truth about Jesus yourself. If you don’t know or understand the freedom of being “in Christ”, then it will always be difficult for you to understand the God given roles and responsibilities that come with being a wife in a Godly marriage.

    I’d suggest spending time searching through the New Testament in the Bible. You’ll find some amazing stories about Jesus and his kingdom. Jesus said he came to bring “life abundantly”. If you’ve never experienced that, you’re really missing out.

    Feel free to email us if you have more questions as we’d love to tell you more about Jesus Christ, the Son of the Living God. We believe he is The Way to God and eternal life and an abundant life with our spouses here.

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