Posted by: Derek Guyer | May 29, 2008

The Pain of an Affair

I just got off of the phone with a man whose wife cheated on him years ago, but who just recently told him. We were talking about the pain of betrayal and the shame. It’s hard to listen to a brother in that kind of pain asking such gut wrenching questions. His heart has been broken and his trust betrayed. As much as we all desire it, there is no quick fix for that kind of wound. The pain is unimaginable.

You may find yourself in this same position or perhaps even coming from the opposite side. Until you’ve been there, you just don’t understand how deep it all runs.

The pain of my wife’s affair was so bad that I really never thought we would heal. I went from harsh anger to deep depression over and over again. I wanted her to gravel at my feet, but she was so caught up in him that loving me was of little to no interest. Lisa was interested in serving herself and my pain was on the back burner. 

Talking with that brother today on the phone brought back some tremendous memories of pain and heartache. But, the great thing is the story of victory I can now tell because of what Jesus did to overcome it. My suffering was for something meaningful. It wasn’t for selfish gain or foolish pride. It was for the glory of God.

Your wounds and pain may seem greater than ever at this moment. They may seem out of control and insurmountable, but they’re not. 

The first time I saw the man Lisa had cheated on me with in public, I remember calling Dad for fear of what I was going to do next. I remember an unquenchable desire to take his life from this world. As tears streamed down my face, I’ll never forget what my dad said. 

“Derek, don’t forget that you aren’t the first to suffer this kind of hurt. I can’t imagine what you’re feeling, Derek. But, I do know someone who does. Remember, Jesus went to the cross for the very people who were betraying him. As they spit on him, mocked him, and beat him, he gave himself up for them.”

If you’re struggling with a broken marriage, go to the Wonderful Counselor. He’s walked where you have walked. He’s suffered as you have suffered. 

“But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was upon him, and by his wounds we are healed.”

Isaiah 53:5 NIV

There is hope. But, you have to begin by dealing with the pain.


  1. Thank you Derek for taking the time to talk with me. You are truly a man of Christ. Anyone reading this who may be feeling this kind of pain, you are not alone. There are those of us who have gone through and are still going through it. But please remember that Jesus suffered much more than we could ever imagine. He knows exactly what we are dealing with. Trust in him and lay your burden at his feet. That is the only way to heal, grow and move foreward.

  2. My wife ended our marriage with an affair. I had suspected infidelity throughout the whole marriage and always assured myself “no she would never”.I am now coping with the pain and suffering the anger and depression.The most painful part for me is knowing that if I were the husband I should have been this would have never happened.We were both not ready for marriage and parenthood at 19 years of age. I spent so much time working (to survive)that my family went without me.With all that time working I didn’t have enough time to do things properly and read up on my shortcomings. Needless to say my wife became Bitter,cold,and resentful and I could do no right in her eyes.Any good thing I did was twisted into something bad in her mind. I was accused of being there out of obligation when the truth of the matter was I loved my family more than myself.I wish I had become a christian earlier in life and had the internet earlier also. I know what went wrong and why and I DO know I was at fault and had a MAJOR part in this failure.The whole thing is just really sad and all I can do is ask GOD to heal us all.

  3. I’m so sorry to hear about your pain, brother. I really appreciate your humility and your understanding that you did wrong in the marriage that lead to some of the problems.

    It’s become very characteristic of our culture to completely ignore our own wrong doings and to blame anyone and everyone else. Deny yourself.

    I pray for your continued humility and for you to be transformed by the renewing of your mind into a workman approved by God. You are not alone and I’m thankful to know your story and to be able to pray for you.

  4. […] on the way down, I relived a little bit of my own pain from Lisa’s affair. Driving down I-65, from Indianapolis, we past numerous places and things that immediately brought […]

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