Posted by: Derek Guyer | May 10, 2008

Staying Awake

I’ll never forget those hours immediately after Lisa told me about the affair. My feelings ranged from total brokenness to anger on a level I had never experienced before. It was a miserable time.

I’m thankful that God gave me a very close brother-in-Christ with whom I could vent and cry to that first night. That was one of the darkest nights of my life, and I needed a safe release. God used Chris to give me that release that night in October.

As I’m sure you can imagine, I found Satan tempting me to do incredibly evil things to this man who had destroyed my life. I wanted relief from my pain. In my head, I began imagining the only peace I could handle would include that man’s life being wiped out. I hated him with a deeper hate than I have ever imagined, and Satan loved it. I wanted more death, and Satan was feeding me every line he could to take it further.

I’ve already spoken about the battle for Lisa’s soul, but it was equally as intense for me in the Heavens. Satan wanted to destroy me and take me out. He tempted me to quit. He tempted me to cheat. He tempted me to kill. He tempted me to be bitter against Lisa. He tempted me to do things I had never imagined doing. I fell to some temptations and conquered others. I wanted relief from my pain, and my prayers reflected it. 

I wanted death. Jesus wanted life. Actually, He wanted “life abundantly”. When I fought for Lisa, selflessly, considering her more important than myself, God was pleased. Did I always see it working? No. In fact, rarely did I see the results I wanted. I was continuously asking for her heart to be changed. I wanted Lisa to understand the immense pain I was feeling on her behalf. I wanted her to know I was fighting for her. Honestly, I just wanted her to be thankful for what I was doing and for what Jesus had done. But, I’m not God. I couldn’t see the entire picture. God wanted to use me. I just needed to stay awake to the battle. 

Was it pleasant to suffer like that? No way. Was it easy? No way. But, as I’ve heard it said, “God never wastes a hurt”. In calling myself His child, I acknowledged that living on my own had brought me death, and I was watching it continue to happen in front of me through my wife. I had to let go. I had to play the man, but not for me.

I had been awakened to the battle, and I knew I couldn’t give up. I was being used as His instrument of righteousness. Accepting that role every day was probably the greatest challenge. If I would just sit quiet for long enough through those moments of despair and pain, I could hear the Holy Spirit speaking to me. Quit worrying about Lisa. “Deny yourself, Derek. Quit worrying about fixing Lisa, and take care of you. Lead by example. Play the man. I love you.” 

“Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus: Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself and became obedient to death- even death on a cross! Therefore God exalted him to the highest place and gave him the name that is above every name, that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father. 

Therefore, my dear friends, as you have always obeyed—not only in my presence, but now much more in my absence—continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose.”

Philippians 2:5-13

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